Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
