i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I stole a fireplace last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
