I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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