I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
