i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
