I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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