I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
