Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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