We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
