Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
