Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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