I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
