tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
