I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
