my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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