No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
