grandma shit on top of the toilet
Buhtt sex?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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