dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
