smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
