a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
