Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
