why im i the only drunk person in the library?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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