my mouth tastes like poor choices
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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