I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
