Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
