I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
