Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I cut my penus on the lid.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
