i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
