Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
