Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
