If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
