tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
