You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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