I think im going to throw up on grandma
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You pole danced in your parka.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
