I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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