I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
