he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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