You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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