Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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