peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
