We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
