I'm jealous of your bromance
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
