I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
