drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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