Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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