Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
