i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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