Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
