Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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