one might say we're banned from that church
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
