he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
