there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
